Have you ever wanted to expose someone for hurting you?

A job for not truly upholding their mission and standards?

I could go further

Did you actually do it?

Expose them ?

You know what I realized when I wanted to expose someone or something ?

I was only exposing myself.

The traits in myself that wanted to rekindle friendships with people who I felt crossed the line way too many times. Stay in relationships that lacked reciprocity. Staying at jobs that didn’t align with my heart and passion. What did that really say about me?

Whatever I thought I uncovered about others, only undressed me.

Little by little. There goes my shirt, right over my head. Oh my

I exposed my lack of boundaries, my over giving ways.

Not knowing how to speak up for myself in the moment.

Not knowing when to leave.

Trusting optics more than I trusted my own gut, the voice in my head that said, this doesn’t feel good, this hurts

Not having discernment.

Thinking that if little old me and my optimistic ways could stick around and forgive, I could change the world.

When really, I should’ve have been focusing on my own world, my inner world.

I used to think my world was my immediate community. I learned later my true world was simply my mind, body, heart, and soul. My spirit.

I unmasked how I abandoned my own world or the fact that maybe I never really tended to it.

Maybe not since a child.

I was the child who in my aunts words, “you could tell nothing too.”

I was proud and confident. I knew what I knew and that was once enough for me.

I stood up for myself and even others. When something didn’t sit right with me, I said something.

I wasn’t afraid of the consequences. I didn’t care if you were older than me, bigger than me, stronger than me.

I remember fist fighting a boy on the bus in middle school who teased me, I was determined so that day we both left with black eyes. Every fight I fought I always swung first. I was never scared and something in me said, even if I loose, at least I got my lick in.

Consequences at a point in time was more afraid of me then I it.

I remember a time when everyone got a whopping one day at my aunts house because it was one of those things where, you are all guilty by association.

But to her surprise when it was my turn, I refused to cry. I remember like it was yesterday thinking, I did nothing wrong so I won’t give you the satisfaction of this making me cry. You can try but you will fail.

Boy, I was something else

That was the first and last time I got a beaten by her because overall I wasn’t a bad kid trying to be something I wasn’t. I never tried to be sneaky. I was the opposite and I was very vocal about almost every thought I had.

There was another time my mom was so angry at me and tried to swing a belt my way but I caught it right away and snatched it from her hand. That too was the first and last time she attempted to spank me.

Aside from these moments, my mom and aunt always positively affirmed me, calling me well behaved, smart, a teachers pet (not in insulting way, although I get how it sounds that way, but even then I was proud of that title I didnt care what it sounded like I knew what it meant to me).

I was known as a leader.

My aunt nicknamed STAR

From elementary school I was already singing, rapping, and dancing.

Another aunt would take me to visit other churches to choreograph for their praise dance teams and she even paid me. I was so proud of that. I still am.

Where did she go?

What weakened her?

When did she start settling, when did she want to be accepted so much that she abandoned herself?

When did she need validation?

Now this is something I denied, denied, and denied again, because I never showed this side on the outside. I didn’t recognize it on the inside.

I didn’t know.

I was going through the motions not even realizing I had lost myself.

I love myself, I wont question or deny that, but it was not enough. Ms. Tina was right

What’s love got to do with it anyway ?

I know she was talking about it in the sense of romance but it is deeper than love even when considering self-love.

So, yes I exposed my lack of true self love, and I hate to admit it but my lack of self respect.

Now this is not to beat myself up, or you, if you relate.

It’s just me being aware and learning from my mistakes.

I take pride in that, learning.

Now let’s not play the “what if” game.

Everything is circumstantial, so keep the mind games on the playground.

Overall

As much as it hurt, I needed to expose myself, undress myself

For little me, who’s still inside of me

For who I am now and the person I will be as I continue to learn and grow

Now I know

Now you know

How to move forward

How to move on

How to move up